"It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards"Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll, the White Queen speaking to Alice.
“Ok Dave this is your last respawn, you got that mate none left so be careful or your outa there”
“Ok dude lets go”
Tuesday, 3 July 2007
Chapter 37 - Respawn 8
"It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards"Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll, the White Queen speaking to Alice.
Monday, 2 July 2007
Chapter 36 - Redemption
“If you want to know who your friends are, get yourself a jail sentence.”
For me the simple answer to this question was that I had no friends, or at least none that would visit me in gaol. They were happy to chat on the phone but a visit did not eventuate. It’s a bit hard calling people you haven’t seen for ages for a chat when they ask you where you are…………….
The day I was released there was no one there to meet me, sob, sob. Mum had finally relented and helped to pay out the remainder of my fines, thereby allowing me to be released. She was my only visitor during my time in gaol.
I was only in custody for about 7 weeks but it seemed much longer. No other friends or other family members had come to see me. I had phoned Jeff, Sebastian, Darren and Sharron and my brother but only mum came to visit.
I was a source of shame, others wanted to distance themselves from me lest I soil their good name, or so I thought. So I had to respect Mum for the fact that she was the only person in my world who cared enough to visit and to bring me stuff and finally to bail me out. Although I knew that she was reluctant to bail me out. She thought that jail would cure me of my addiction, and in some ways she was right, it scared me and brought things to a halt. But it was the events that would follow meeting Pamela, getting and getting a meaningful job that really made the difference .
From the very brief time I spent in gaol I could see that prison contains people in a dehumanising manner. There is no rehabilitation it is simply abuse. I came out realising that I can’t rely on anyone.
It was also a wake up call to realise that the people who I thought were my friends were nothing of the sought. Good time Charlies the bloody lot of them, but then what had I ever done for them, it’s a two way street if you want support you have to give it and maybe I had been so selfish I just didn’t give any. Junkies don’t make great friends.
But the fact that no-one else contacted or visited me was also a powerful wake up call. I realised that the life I had been leading was not conducive to creating positive relationships.
As I strolled out the prison gates I was fired up and determined to show what I was really capable of and to silence those who had written me off, my brother and other family members. I was going to show them and this anger inside was like a nuclear reactor an awesome source of energy which could be used to transform my life or build weapons of mass destruction (WMD’s), which might not be such a great idea as it could lead to UN weapon’s inspectors crawling up my anus and cruise missiles slamming into my house and marines laying some “Shock and awe on my ass”.
But first things first, it was time for a trip to the pub to celebrate my release. Glen and I were both released on the same day. I was nervous right up to the last minute, I knew that I had more fines coming, but they had not been processed yet. A couple of times a week two coppers would come down to the work release site to present inmates with fines/charges that had just been processed. I just wanted to get out of there and it wasn’t until I was in the car driving down the road that I felt free.
Glen had his car parked near the gaol and so once we were released we took a ride in his car to a pub at Beenleigh.
Everyday I would visualise what I wanted in my life. The relationship, the job, the stability and happiness that I craved. It made me feel better.
My brother had told mum that, “Dave will be in and out of gaol for the rest of his life he is a no good looser cant you see that?” Thanks for the vote of confidence bro.
Mum seemed to think that it was my gaol experience only that had cured me of my addiction.
“It worked didn’t it” was her reponse, yeah a great way to cure mental illness is to scare the shit out of people, so that they learn to hide any sign of mental illness in the future. Because lets face it drug addiction is a form of mental illness, somethings not right when all you want to do is get high.
Little did she know that I had used on several occasions after coming out of gaol. To me it was a combination of things. Hitting rock bottom, getting a rewarding job, and having a loving relationship, these were the key factors. I was being drawn toward a compelling future that was the key rather than avoiding a painful past. I was learning to love and accept myself to acknowledge my bi-sexuality and feel OK about.
But I believe that it is wrong to punish people who are sick. I know that I was sick, I was suicidal, suffering from extreme depression and behaving in a high irresponsible manner.
Recently a Mental Health group had an article in the Australian requesting that Rene Rivkin be released because gaol was having such a negative impact on his mental health. Well most of the people I saw while in prison had some mental health problems. The environment in gaol is not conducive to developing a positive mental health. Rene killed himself he was very unhappy.
Mum didn’t want me to tell people in the family that I had been to gaol. She was often trying to hide something. I have memories of being prepared by her to lie to a friend or relative about some personal situation. It was usually done to avoid conflict or on the pretence of protecting this person. I often felt caught in a “double bind”. Or as mum used to say “The definition of insanity is having two contradictory ideas” and on that note I agreed with mum. For example it might be like knowing that something has happened to you but also knowing that you cant talk about it.
“I told Sophie” , my cousin
“Oh Dave you didn’t did you, she will tell everyone” Mum’s expression was one of utter despair, it was as though the shame would kill her.
Mum would often call herself “A seeker of truth”, but she was often lying to people and requiring that I become involved with her webs of deceit. She was usually well intentioned with her lies, it was done to protect people usually or avoid conflict. She didn’t mean any harm by it.
I believe that punishment and prison are poor ways to stimulate behaviour change. Change is then based on fear, and avoidance rather than being directed toward a distinct goal. Sure it may work but it also tends to have a dehumanising effect on people.
Within 3 weeks of leaving gaol I had a job doing landscaping. I did this for about a month. One day I went for an interview at the Salvation Army job agency and they offered me a job as an employment consultant on the spot. I had a psychology degree, a clean cut image and well spoken manner these qualities would be useful to them. I jumped at the opportunity this would change my life.
A few weeks later I met Pamela at a party who would become the mother to my child. It was billed as a sexual fantasy party I came dressed in drag and she was dressed as a nurse what a couple. The chemistry was there and we had a great time.
She had also been sexually abused as a child. She came from a family of six and her brother forced himself upon her repeatedly when she was young.
I saw Gary the speed dealer from Arthur Gorrie who I shared a cell with. I score some pot from him and have cones with a group of homeless people.
Pamela also told that she had worked as a prostitute when she was younger to support herself. Like my mum she had run away from home at 14. In her youth she had lesbian affairs and for a while rejected men completely. It seemed like all the women I were with had experienced sexual abuse and lesbian experiences or fantasies. Were all women like this or just the ones I was attracted to?
“Your just a butch dyke”, Pam said as she rubbed her pussy on my ass, and I thought yeah I am, finally someone who understood me.
I had to travel to the head office which was the Valley to go through my induction; unbelievably I found a fifty packet of heroin in my wallet. I must have left it there the last time I shot up, which was about 1 month ago. On that day I had purchased some gear and mixed up half and put the rest in my wallet. However, because it was so strong I totally forgot that I had stashed this smack.
It was in the corner of a plastic bag chopped off to make a tiny bag which held the hammer. I was stunned to have found it, I quickly decided that I would use it, feeling guilty but excited about my find. I went to a chemist and purchased a fit packet. From there I made a beeline straight to the toilets near
This all seemed so familiar to me, I felt like I had done this before.
I slept a deep slumber and I dreamt of flying, freedom and peace. The oneness embraced me………………………………
Chapter 35 - Wacol Work Release
“The shaman not only survives the ordeal of a debilitating sickness or an accident, but is healed in the process. Illness then becomes the vehicle to a higher plane of consciousness. The evolution from the state of psychic and physical disintegration to shamanising is effected through the experience of self-cure. The shaman – and only the shaman – is a healer who has healed himself." (17)
This is the lowest security unit in which I have been confined. The compound is surrounded by a four metre electric fence, but it is not turned on and the gates are always open. It’s a casual gaol without many of the formalities of the more professional establishments. There are no guard dogs, sniper towers, armoured cars, moats, spike or acid filled pits, machine gun nests or Apache gun ships as you might find at many other correctional facilities. This is where you come when they trust you not to run away or do anything nasty. If you do play up its back to R&R where you can be locked down.
Within the compound are 4 houses and about 30 “dongas” as well as a kitchen and dining room building and the screw’s offices. Dongas are small self contained units that look like small cargo containers. They are built for one person.
The four houses in the compound used to be the accommodation for prison guards at the old Moreton B unit at Wacol. This now deserted gaol lies silent behind the work release compound. The houses are spacious brick highset three bedroom family homes built in the fifties.
This facility is designed to house inmates who are in the final stage of their sentence. They come to Wacol and are required to find work in the surrounding suburbs but to live at the gaol. There are also about 7 fine defaulters but we are confined to the compound and the park out the front.
Prisoners in the work release compound are not required to where browns, so I rang mum and got her to bring up a bag of my clothes.
On the first day that I arrived I walked up the steps of the house and found
Bob a Maori fellow mellow of spirit but earnest and well meaning. He has come from with me from Pallen Creek. We play scrabble together, do crosswords and play euchre. Bod has thick black dreadlocks intense eyes I would not like to cross him, he has an aggressive side, but generally very mellow and obliging.
Then there was Glen, he was from NZ origninally a farm boy and he still had the down home country bumpkin style, naïve, friendly and chatty. He had also worked as a 'chippy' and recently had been on a number of trips to
Damien was a Murri bloke who worked as a panel beater, likes to read People magazine and watch Neighbours. He also likes his ganga and is good for a laugh. He has seven kids on the outside, so being in here is bit of break for him. He gets one his mate to drop some pot off to us every week and we all chip in a few bucks so we can have a smoke. Its easy to conceal from the Screws, we wait until the last rounds are done and then light up.
Roy is a young Inala boy, poor education always trying to ‘one up’ everyone but ends up back firing on him and making him appear more stupid than he would if kept mouth shut. “lettuce has THC in it”
Ray we call the rapist, he is very insensitive, and widely despised. Everyone wanted him out of our house, makes lewd remarks about young girls. Tried to move him into 3 other houses and they all don’t want him. Asked me about scar and clear sign of insensitivity. Damien wants to bash him. 40 bald and podgy smart ass.
(MY SCAR – So Ray after only having known me for a few minutes asks me about my scar, if you look at the photo in the book you will see that it is very prominent. Some people never ask me about it others do, I use the way they ask and how long it takes after meeting me as a gauge of their sensitivity. I also have feint scars on my face from my child hood accident with the window.)
- Giuseppe – fat little Italian in for 8000 mull plants
- Alex – the Romanian in for dealing harry caught with 1.5lbs of harry.
- Rick – gets out in a couple of days and he has bought a car and plans to drive it unregistered no plates to
Scotty is a Gold Coast boy only 5’4” tall, is a go-ee (speed) head and knows Steve. He is familiar with the story from the Musos club where the chick lost her thumb, the stolen Harley and the Uhlans contract on Steve $30,000. Scotty says, "Yeah they call Steve ‘bob’, cause hes gunna be bobbing in the river, once they finish with him. Scotty also knows Ray Rifle and lived in Tambourine, his brother Matt committed suicide (guitarist)
John is fat, bald, short (5ft 6in) four eyed and equipped with a borderline personality disorder. He wears unflattering spectacles and from a distance looks like ‘humpty dumpty”. When he speaks he has one volume level and that is too fucking loud, with every word that comes from his mouth it sounds like he is a sergeant major screaming orders to a bunch of new recruits. The master of the kitchen, I have regular quarrels with him. When I arrived at Wacol I had to make another request for vegetarian food. I was taken into the kitchen and introduced to John, he was surly from the start. John got sent to prison for presenting $680,000 in forged cheques.
The highlight of every day seems to revolve around the Olympics being held in
Euchre is a big attraction in our house and we spend hours drinking coffee smoking cigarettes and playing cards and reading People magazine.
I am reading Orwell’s down and out in
We are paid $8 a day to do very little, mowing, kitchen hand, emu-bob etc.
The regular crosswords from Picture magazine, and pictures of tight asses and girls in tight fitting panties their pussies jutting out like a sacred mound, I take the magazine to the toilet and put it to good use. Ah thats better, we all take turns wanking over the babes in the privacy of the toilet.
19/9
It seems that no-one ever really knows who you are and vice versa. Was I a victim of abuse? Was my mother? Is it right to apply the term abuse to what I experienced or was it just false memories created by a man desperate for someone to blame for his fucked up life.
Whatever the label that is applied there is no doubt the experience has had an impact on my emotional and sexual development. Whether this is positive or negative is all matter of focus and interpretation. By that I meant do I choose to focus on all the pain it has brought me or the insight it has given me.
All of my intimate relationships have been characterised by a fear of rejection and a lack of trust. Rita my first real close relationship was one in which I was always worried she would cheat on me. I felt that if given the opportunity she would go off with someone else, and feel no guilt or regret in such an act.
As a child I watched as my mother went from relationship to relationship seemingly without concern for the impact this would have on her children. The word slut comes to mind when thinking how to describe her sexual conduct. Indeed the women I have chosen as girlfriends have been similarly characterised. Michelle, Rita, Linda, and Julia all very flirtatious women who used sex as a weapon, means to power and a way to reward and punish.
My way of dealing with the parasitic nature of sexual relations has been to withdraw from them. Yet this is a high price for we all yearn to feel love and intimacy but often we get a whole lot more.
Conflict, pain, abuse, rejection, revenge, and turmoil. While peace and love were sought pain and suffering are wrought and those who once loved become the bitterest of enemies. Betrayal is prominent and redemption far away, so dark clouds of derision blight the fertile fields.
People label you in their poor attempts at understanding. They label to control and restrict and ironically to understand. But their labels never really fit their ideas often wrong and confusion reigns.
Pete “I tested positive to THC on the piss test”
Pete “Just a tiny bit over”
Pete “Why?”
“You sure man?
“Oh for fuck sake
“There is dude, I was talking to this bloke who was reading about it on the internet.”
“Well your mate was reading some prime fucking bullshit man, because I can assure you that is totally incorrect.”
“Yeah, whatever., just calm down dude, you know, how would you know anyway”
The gaol system makes you feel like a sausage in a great machine being pumped through a series of treatments – watch house, watch house transfer, R&R, OBS, W3, transfer, Pallen Creek, transfer Wacol.
In the end you are spewed out back into society to be consumed by the machine.
The adversarial system of justice.
A plea of guilty is seen as a provocative in the face of the law. A person found guilty who pleads not guilty will receive a more severe punishment.
“The adversarial system of justice does not promote positive values. Instead you have two sides who are hell bent on winning. Therefore, the truth (I use this word loosely, since I do not believe that there is any objective truth) is the first victim in this war. Each side is concerned with protecting their careers and reputations and thus they wish to achieve their goal regardless of the truth.
Furthermore, the justice system is an industry that employs tens of thousands of people. The lawyers, judges, police, prison guars, parole officers, cooks, cleaners, dentists, etc. Then there are the prison industries that use the slave labour to sell goods in the free economy and compete against businesses who have to pay appropriate wages, sick leave, super etc.
Money = good = innocent
Indigence = bad = guilty
Greed, money, power, corruption, abuse and betrayal.
Justice is an illusion and a lie perpetrated by the rich and the powerful.
22/9 Dreams
At Darren and Sharron’s doing work, Red haired girl from Bardot and I hit it off then a cage surrounds me.
Living in a site much like Palen Creek without the fence, Jamie from R&R brings guitar and amp has harry for me. Mum comes to visit. They confiscate harry and begin interrogation, I repeat mantras
In a squash court an old women who works there hits on meLiving in a college housing single room with very thin walls. I can hear my neighbours. Get dressed and go outside huge open field
In Afghanistan travelling through city in a cab to a restaurant. I am with a young women it is a family gathering, Christine my aunty is telling her about family history including Mum’s work she is surprised, I smoke it annoys her so I go outside. An American soldier nods to me, a group of US kids together, I try to exit through the kids door it is too small go through the adults door and have a cigarette.
I meet up with God and he says, “Let me tell you about the wisdom of the washing machine. You see my son good and evil are not the same and there is one crucial difference you must understand. Let us think of the washing. When we wish to cleanse our clothes we can use a variety of different powders.
Evil is like an old style washing powder that will only wash in hot water, where as good is like a new style powder that can wash in both hot and cold. You see evil is hot and this heat contains tremendous power and energy, but it can only burn on and is never satiated. Where as good heals, loves and cares for and when necessary the hand of the good man may be raised in anger against a threat.
Thus good is like Dynamo a versatile washing powder that works in both hot and cold, having access to the heat but also the cool healing power.
Was it all just a dream, he wished he had taken that chance, when he came to the crossroads, but he didn’t and now his lot is cast………………..”
Control - Propganda
“the media sets the agenda it does not inform”
In order for the elite to maintain control over the lower classes a system must be developed to restrict any rebellious sections. Rebellion in a capitalist society revolves around property crime. The lower classes (along with the rest of the population) are fed a diet of propaganda through the medium of television which convinces them that happiness can only be achieved through the acquisition of material goods. If this great goal is denied to you through poverty the result of unemployment, underemployment, gambling addiction, alcoholism, poor education or drug addiction then property crime is a means of overcoming the problem. Thus people commit crime and if caught enter the machine of the justice department where control is complete.
The rest of society is then convinced that in order to protect themselves from these marauding groups of criminals pervasive surveillance is necessary. Cameras are placed everywhere and people may even request them. It seems that it will not be long before Orwell’s prediction of cameras every home becomes true. Divide and conquer
Michael Moore speaks of the “culture of fear” – when people are afraid or feel threatened they will give up some freedoms to protect against danger, ie increased police powers post 911.
The illicit drug trade gives the government further chance to control any deviant groups. Once addicted the individual becomes a slave to the drug, and embark on property crime to fulfil their need. No energy is available to look at real problems.
The illicit drug trade is an industry that directly supports Lawyers, judges, police, prison guards and the like and indirectly it touches all levels of society.
Divide and rule, create a threat to the group – Orwell – 911 In the computer game Deus Ex, taken from the latin phrase “Deus Ex Machina” or God in the machine, a terrorist strike on the Statue of liberty (this game was made pre 9/11) an evil group threatening to destabilise the world leads the government to adopting draconian laws to deal with this threat. The question in the game is did the government orchestrate this act so that it could gain more control.
Sources of Control
- Family
- School
- Mental institutions – psychiatry / psychology
- Prisons
- Religion
- TV – the media
The greatest source of discrimination in so called advanced liberal democracies is through the economy.
The potential to be gaoled for not voting, not wearing a seat belt, not wearing a bike helmet or not paying a parking fine. Here are some interesting statistics on prisons in Australia
- 96% of al inmates in gaol are male
- 80 % of offenders in for drug related crime – property crime
- Many male inmates are victims of sexual assault
- Drug addiction is a form of mental illness or mental disturbance
- Crime rates are highest in the poorest areas
- Most inmates are from the lower classes and most poorly educated
- Most victims of violence are young males
- Most perpetrators of violence are young males
Gaol is an industry that creates jobs, which requires raw materials – the crims.
There is no rehabilitation, there is just degradation, the token courses available fail to address the causes of crime which are systematic and not based merely on individual crims………………
The prison industry needs raw materials and these raw materials are the criminals themselves. The government needs to fill the prisons it wants high levels of occupancy to keep the industry moving.
We live in a society of hypocrisy, our religion says do not kill, yet we have army chaplains, and during war we pray for gods help. This is absurd.
When the Western world is desperate for babies abortion is encouraged as an option for people who want to focus on there career and extend their own child hood a little longer.
Women have embraced the fullness of their gender identity both masculine and feminine while men are still clinging to restrictive notions of gender identity which still focus exclusively on masculine pursuits. The idea of being a man is to not be a women, and if women have expanded their territory then the traditional man has had his reduced. The need is for men to expand their limited gender identity and for gender to not just be seen as a women’s issue but as an issue for everyone. Men need massive change.
Communication breakdown
Bob said , “He doesn’t realise how charismatic he is”,
“What the fuck did you say?”
Bob said , “He doesn’t realise how charismatic he is”,
“I thought you said ‘He’s running with carrots in his ears’, how fucked up is that, talk about misunderstanding.”
“Hey Bob do you have a $2 coin”
“Don’t have any corn mate, that’s a fuckin strange request if I ever ‘eard one.”
“What borrowing a couple of bucks/”
“What did you say?”
“Can I borrow 2 bucks”
“Oh fuck sorry mate I thought you said ‘Hey Bob do you have a tin of corn’, don’t know how I got that though”.
25/9
Today I did my usual walk around the park it is quite tranquil and I enjoy it. I brought some bread with me and I fed some mag pies, it gave me a tremendous sense of well being. The kangaroos come everyday to the park across the road. They in contrast to myself are free, and I watch them with a mixture of joy and envy. They come at about
As I walk around the park I chant mantras “
We wake at 7.00am daily to the sound of a screw over the PA system saying “Wakey, waky, hands of snaky, time to get up gentlemen”, or some similar thing.
I share a room with 2 others. There are three rooms in the house with two in each of the other rooms.
After getting up I venture to the mess hall for breakfast, where a selection of five different cereals is available. Eggs and bacon is often served, and there is a ready supply of cordial, milk, bread and various condiments. (vege, p/butter,honey,jam)
After breakfast at about
Lunch is about
I had a run in with John the head cook, because I failed to fill in my lunch bag for that day. John only has one tone and volume of voice and that is loud and grating. I asked if he might make something up as I had forgotten to fill out an order.
“John I forgot to fill out my lunch order, do you reckon you could make something up for me?”
“Look you know the bloody rules no order, no lunch, so learn you lesson and be off with ya.”
“Ah for fuck sake John, all I wants a fuckin sandwitch”
“Don’t you fuckin sandwich me, I wont take this mate, I told you how it works…..”
“Well
He was loud and angry and was clear that he refused to help me out. He began pointing at me. I became very angry and felt like punching him, but did not for the consequences would be great for no gain (back to R&R immediately).
Recent laws make it illegal for prisoners to talk with reporters or the media and it has been suggested to me that it is illegal for prisoners to publish reports of their experiences in gaol.
This seems to be highly suspicious for it allows the state to keep secret the goings on in side prisons. In Queensland s100 of The Corrective Services Act 2000 is explicit when it forbids media access to the state’s tax-payer-funded prison system
Time rolls and the revelations become more vivid as the mind expands and the awareness develops. With every passing day my resolve and determination grows, I believe I can achieve and I know that what I wish for and what I believe can become a tangible reality.
I am proud of the way I have handled myself and I feel sure that I can take responsibility for my destiny. From great trials come great opportunities and I view my experiences as gifts to be treasured for the path to success is wide open and the light is shining.
Many mysteries confound the confined soul, but the soul freed to explore the great tribulations of life.
26/9
Urine test this morning. I was tested 2 weeks ago when I arrived here at Wacol and of course tested positive to THC. The cage is where they leave you if you can’t do a piss. They give you a cup of water and wait until you can piss. Then an officer takes you into a toilet and gives you a pair of gloves to put on (so you can’t contaminate the sample) turns on the tap in the sink, and watches you take a piss into a small sample jar. Some inmates will put a bit of soap under their finger nail which they drop into the sample thereby contaminating it.
Luckily for us pot stays in your system for several months, and therefore the pot we had been smoking since being in gaol would not make any difference.
27/9
A Hero has to have a fatal flaw, a weakness that makes them vulnerable. When otherwise they are powerful and dominant, when faced with their weakness they can be overcome. Superman could be brought low by exposure to kryptonite, and so the hero in my story alternates between periods of crusading justice fighting tyranny and oppression defending the weak and vulnerable to periods of self indulgent drug abuse, a junkie fixated on personal pleasure pathetic weak and hopeless.
Steve hates the needle because he fears it he fears that it might take him down he knows that he’s a junkie but he transfers that self loathing onto others.
“Yes boss, no boss.”
29/9
Released from custody.
I bought a copy of the Courier mail and my attention was drawn to a picture on the page 3. It was a picture of Lee my old heroin dealer he had been busted. It seems that Lee had been caught in the act, busted by an undercover cop who went by the code name of Dave Hawkins, funny coincidence I thought. Kind of like that bloke in Scanner Darkly the PK Dick Novel.
Lee had a clever plan when it came to hiding his heroin. He would pack several kilos of heroin into a car and take it to a workshop to have a new component fitted, a turbo for instance. He would pay half of the cost upfront but would leave the car there and come back to get it when he needed the supplies which might be weeks or months. In the meantime the mechanic would be chasing him for the money and eventually he would come to collect the car. However, instead of collecting it he would ask for some more modifications to be done, a new gearbox, and pay them in cash for the work done so far and some more for the work they were about to do.
He had several cars all over
Chapter 34 - Palen Creek Take Two
7/9
Day 1 Palen Creek
“Do I contradict myself, of course I do, I am large I contain multitudes.”
Walt Whitman
I decided to let Agro be no sense in being violent, never know what might happen.
Everyday I am becoming stronger and my vision more expansive. For many years drugs have clouded my mind and obscured my vision. The clarity which is steadily being revealed to me is giving me the ability to transcend this mundane reality I am slowly beginning to see through the illusion and with each passing day I am become more powerful.
My destiny is unfolding before me and the vast implications of my fate are being revealed. The future is blooming and soon the person who inhabited this body for the last few years shall be expelled and the new master of this realm shall take the helm.
The most powerful things in this world are those unseen forces which lie beneath the thin veneer we call reality.
It is only through the rejection of the obsessions of this dimension that one can truly enter the next world. I must lose all material objects and free myself of the burden of possessions and relationships. For both these things tie you to the mundane reality and restrict your vision. When we become attached to others we lose touch with ourselves and with our guides. So too our obsessions with objects makes us slaves to a corporeal world that is but a banal façade obscuring the brilliance of the other side.
I must lose contact with the people from my past, with ideas of my past and with the restrictions of that past.
For so long I have wondered lost and now at last I feel that my path to glory is unfolding before me. I know that there will be many trials ahead, but I also know that I can meet the challenges head on and win. Father, mother, brothers and relatives and friends must become dead to me, and I to them. For the person they knew is on the way out, and a much more powerful and resilient individual is beginning to step to the fore. With him comes an array of aides who shall support and nourish me. Thus I shall be fulfilled on the spiritual plain.
Oh great creator I know I am not better than others or particularly special, but rather I am but a vessel through which you act. And like a blacksmith you must forge a new character to do your bidding.
I am not and never shall be alone for I have the greatest force in the world as my backup. My mission is small, but each part of the great scheme is essential and none dispensable. Thankyou oh lord for this chance to learn and grow.
Time, Perception, and Belief
We live in a dynamic environment yet human nature persistently tends to insist upon applying static criteria to this fluid world. People rely on establishing their own identity through their relations to others. In order to develop a stable safe sense of self they must project such views upon others.
However, this is fundamentally flawed and highly problematic manner of perceiving the world and as such leads to many problems and failures of communication. Your “reality” is not my “reality” and vice versa. But when you apply such restrictive thinking you imprison yourself as well as me, and we fail to understand one another.
In an infinite universe there are an infinite number of different centres of the universe. We are all at the centre of our own little universe. There is no reality. We each live in our own limited by our culture, gender and race.
People become irate when you refuse to conform to their established ideas of who you are or ought to be. They resent you for refusing to conform you threaten their fragile conceptions of themselves. So while you try to assert that you are a multifaceted dynamic individual they will continually attempt to tie you down to a restrictive closed set of criteria.
This creates a conflict and promotes resentment and hostility.
8/9
Is is funny that although I prefer the environment here, I found that I preferred the people at R and R. They seemed more real and I found I connected well with several of them. It is ironic that I now find myself missing their company though I found the maximum security environment oppressive and claustrophobic.
In the intense environment it seems that camaraderie is vital to survive, while here at Pallen Creek the people are all fine defaulters in for short spells and thus there is not the need or motivation to establish close connections.
It is a mediocre experience that lacks the intensity of true confinement and the intimacy this breeds. I felt like in a matter of days I had become good friends with blokes of all backgrounds. All pretense was dispensible we were equals fated to similar experiences. I felt no qualms about revealing my history of drug abuse, and self mutilation it seemed almost petty ………………I felt I was being real
Drugs
“An illusion that is then obscured by a delusion produces profound confusion.”
Dave
So many of the inmates at R&R had had their lives ravaged by heroin again and again. I heard the same familiar tale of lives destroyed by the demon poppy. Intelligent, sensitive, savage, sarcastic, silly men who had allowed this drug to bring ruination into their lives.
Dependency
Gaol does in many ways foster dependency. It can be a very passive existence, everything, is done for you meals cooked, washing done no bills to pay, or shopping trips, nothing is required except your passive acceptance of your fate. It is no wonder that many return, for it offers a kind of cosy security and surrogate family that does not exist outside.
“No where to run!”
Dream 9/9
- Walking into a café to retrieve the jacket Dad gave me and my docs as I am leaving I see a couple of skinheads they appear to be drunk. I keep walking and one comes over to me and attempts to assault me. But I am much stronger than him I grab him and begin bashing his head on the road, (his body goes limp) then I bash his head on the bumper bar of a car and his head explodes in a mass of gore.
- Dad rang wanted to know if I was all right.
- On a bus with a whole lot of little kids
- Reading a classified that advertised something about a party. She says I can stay over at her place. I don’t know her. Find myself a cab going to her place which is in Tweed Heads. The cabbie stops at his place for a moment he wants to go to
- Mum and dad come to get me from gaol. Dad has a red Jag that is convertible and Kerry Packer gave it to him. The guards ride around on small lawn mowers and tell me I have a visitor.
- Reading a book called The Dueling Machine by Ben Bova, I read it while I was living in Saudi Arabia, it was a long time ago, strange that I should dream about it.
9/9
It has been nearly three weeks since I last consumed any drugs other than cigarettes or caffeine. My goal now is to eliminate all drugs from my life. The next to go will be cigarettes and finally tea. Although I will allow myself the luxury of chocolate.
I can not fully see the future but when I leave here I shall aim to continue my abstinence from drugs. For in the weeks since I have stopped using them I have not missed this activity, but have relished the clarity that has been granted to me.
Drugs have brought me pain and sorrow, they have lead to many problems in my life. However, in order to overcome this scourge, I must develop other aspects of my life in order to fill the void that abstinence creates.
I wish for the company of individuals who will encourage this goal and shall seek out a community that will foster a drug free lifestyle.
I must be careful of being a patronising preacher. I will keep my goal secret for I must be humble in the face of the lord. I must acknowledge my vulnerability and realise that it is always possible to slip backwards.
I will not preach to others about my choice, but silently I shall pursue my goal of abstinence. I will simply say I am having a “break” and with gods grace this break may be permanent.
I must learn to accept and love myself and forgive others and myself for the mistakes of the past. Anger breeds negativity and hostility things which I must refuse to partake of. They lead to drug abuse.
I must integrate those dark aspects of myself that I use drugs to obscure.
10/9
Release
Hope fades as life for me ticks away. Deserted by all he is left to his ways, none shall hear his anguished pleas, but all in unison issue damning decrees. Let him suffer the pain, he is deserving of all that shall be.
Father, Mother, Brothers and friends shall turn away in his hour of need and so he succumbs to the warm embrace of deaths deliverance. Not meant for this world not suited to the struggle another casualty in the war for eternity. He is free, free at last of his earthly bonds, and spirit once more.
10/9 Afternoon
What a hell of a morning. A dark all encompassing cloud of depression engulfed me. I allowed it to happen. The previous page gives an insight into the vicious cycle of self pity, self loathing and depression into which I had become fixated. I sat alone in my room and brooded made plans for suicide got socks and shoelaces ready for the noose and planned to end it all tonight. A few games of ping-pong and some exercise and I exorcised my demons.
(This reminds me of a story I read about a bloke who was going to commit suicide by running and giving himself a heart attack. He was a mature man, overweight, high blood pressure and he had not exercised for some time thus he felt certain that within a few minutes of beginning his death run he would experience a myocardial infarction, or heart attack. However, after running for a few minutes he found that he was not dead and as he continued to run a strange thing began to happen. He began to feel better with each step forward he felt his depression subside like warm air on frosty windows clearing his mind and invigorating his senses. He didn’t want to die he wanted to run to live to enjoy life. He discovered what more and more people are realising the best cure for depression is exercise.)
This is not an easy path, but I feel I triumphed over my weakness. I did not use drugs to subdue or suppress those feelings but rather faced them and overcame them with my own initiative and with the grace of god.
My attitude and actions over the past few years have brought untold grief stress and pain into the lives of my friends and family. I beg that maybe they shall forgive me , for it is not they who have done wrong by me but me who has wronged them, through selfish and inconsiderate behaviour. Every bit of pain and sorrow that I have felt, they too have been subject to. So I must acknowledge that it is reasonable that they shun and reject me. For to do anything else is only to condone my dependent childish behaviour. I must release this role of “poor me” and instead of brooding in self pity I must take a stand and take control of my life.
For what you focus on is what you become. I had read years before that this is the key to achieving things in this world. Concerted concentration of energy
Today my mood has swung from an extreme depression to a positive affective state. Thank you god for giving me this chance to learn even though it has been painful.
I send my father, mother, brother all my love and I accept their right to be angry and resentful of me. I only pray that they may find it in their hearts to forgive me. This will never nullify the pain I have caused them but hopefully we will be able to move on and establish reasonable relations. For it is not I that should forgive them but rather those who have been wronged should forgive me.
My aunty Cheryl I pray that you may forgive my brutal words for though you hurt me that was not your intention, whereas I purposely attacked you with malice and anger in my heart. I have been like a leech on my mother and father sapping them of energy and thus for their own good they had to reject me. I am so very sorry for the things I have done and I am determined to redeem myself. I am truly the prodigal son, I have been dead but I feel as though I am on the virge of a birth. Oh God have mercy guide me toward the light and let me bring love into the lives of those who I have wronged.
Even my good friends like Darren have been victims of my parasitic ways and much work must be done to repay the debt I owe them.
Oh God I beg of you please forgive me and let me work towards good I will stand alone I will stand tall and I will make them proud.
11/9
Shitting blood this morning and afternoon toilet bowl is blood red no pain involved. Indigestion and stomach pain following ingestion of meat (lies all lies)
Five years ago severe problem of indigestion and blood from bowel.
Phone call tonight
Infringement of my human rights allowing freedon of religious values by not providing a suitable diet. “colostomy bag for the rest of my life if not give correct diet”. Maybe a slight exaggeration, but I have always been fond of the dramatic.
James 4:4 “Adulters and adulteresses do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever, therefore, wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of god”
So much of crime is directly caused by two great evils drugs and gambling, and the poverty these things create.
In a society that values wealth and material possessions above all else the most punished crimes are those against property. The vast majority of crime is not committed our or spite or malice but is the result of need, created by a deficit generated by drug addiction, gambling and unemployment.
Most people in gaol are from the lower classes this is a basic fact. Poor and lacking education they suffer in an unjust and corrupt system.
Furthermore, the gaol population is overwhelmingly male.
14/9
Laughter
When you are in gaol laughter is pure gold. Today for desert we had icecream and to go with it chocolate topping and banana topping. However, someone had brought out the BBQ sauce instead of the chocolate sauce. So I lavished BBQ sauce on my ice cream and dug in only to find that the “chocolate” sauce tasted rather suspect.
A common occurrence in gaol is “name dropping”. When two people meet who have a mutual acquaintances and embark on a long series of name exchanges. Whereby when one acknowledges familiarity with a name anecdotes are exchanged.
“You know Stevo, from Sydney, he was one of Nato’s mates, got busted tryin to fuckin kick the shit out of a copper on speed, fuck it was funny though, you should of seem him go, until few more cops arrived then they fuckin smashed him.”
The mullet hairstyle is prevalent and tattoos are the norm.
When I arrived at Palen Creek I was interviewed by a guard and during the interview he asked me if I would like to be considered for the work release compound at Wacol. He advised that it is lower security.
“Yeah I’ll be keen to go there if they have a vacancy.”
Sitting on the decking at the Chicken coop I am chatting to Mick, who has just arrived from R&R. I haven’t seen him since we were in the watchhouse. He went to a different section at R&R to me.
A guard comes up and calls out my name, Bob, and Roy. We are all to be transferred to Wacol Work Release.
One of the other inmates is listening and says, “They’re all fags up there mate, watch your ass ey” , he laughed. He was covered in tattoos both arms his chest, back and neck decorated with elaborate images of mythological beasts, and on his shoulder a crude prison tattoo with the words “I luv mum”.
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