7/9
Day 1 Palen Creek
“Do I contradict myself, of course I do, I am large I contain multitudes.”
Walt Whitman
I decided to let Agro be no sense in being violent, never know what might happen.
Everyday I am becoming stronger and my vision more expansive. For many years drugs have clouded my mind and obscured my vision. The clarity which is steadily being revealed to me is giving me the ability to transcend this mundane reality I am slowly beginning to see through the illusion and with each passing day I am become more powerful.
My destiny is unfolding before me and the vast implications of my fate are being revealed. The future is blooming and soon the person who inhabited this body for the last few years shall be expelled and the new master of this realm shall take the helm.
The most powerful things in this world are those unseen forces which lie beneath the thin veneer we call reality.
It is only through the rejection of the obsessions of this dimension that one can truly enter the next world. I must lose all material objects and free myself of the burden of possessions and relationships. For both these things tie you to the mundane reality and restrict your vision. When we become attached to others we lose touch with ourselves and with our guides. So too our obsessions with objects makes us slaves to a corporeal world that is but a banal façade obscuring the brilliance of the other side.
I must lose contact with the people from my past, with ideas of my past and with the restrictions of that past.
For so long I have wondered lost and now at last I feel that my path to glory is unfolding before me. I know that there will be many trials ahead, but I also know that I can meet the challenges head on and win. Father, mother, brothers and relatives and friends must become dead to me, and I to them. For the person they knew is on the way out, and a much more powerful and resilient individual is beginning to step to the fore. With him comes an array of aides who shall support and nourish me. Thus I shall be fulfilled on the spiritual plain.
Oh great creator I know I am not better than others or particularly special, but rather I am but a vessel through which you act. And like a blacksmith you must forge a new character to do your bidding.
I am not and never shall be alone for I have the greatest force in the world as my backup. My mission is small, but each part of the great scheme is essential and none dispensable. Thankyou oh lord for this chance to learn and grow.
Time, Perception, and Belief
We live in a dynamic environment yet human nature persistently tends to insist upon applying static criteria to this fluid world. People rely on establishing their own identity through their relations to others. In order to develop a stable safe sense of self they must project such views upon others.
However, this is fundamentally flawed and highly problematic manner of perceiving the world and as such leads to many problems and failures of communication. Your “reality” is not my “reality” and vice versa. But when you apply such restrictive thinking you imprison yourself as well as me, and we fail to understand one another.
In an infinite universe there are an infinite number of different centres of the universe. We are all at the centre of our own little universe. There is no reality. We each live in our own limited by our culture, gender and race.
People become irate when you refuse to conform to their established ideas of who you are or ought to be. They resent you for refusing to conform you threaten their fragile conceptions of themselves. So while you try to assert that you are a multifaceted dynamic individual they will continually attempt to tie you down to a restrictive closed set of criteria.
This creates a conflict and promotes resentment and hostility.
8/9
Is is funny that although I prefer the environment here, I found that I preferred the people at R and R. They seemed more real and I found I connected well with several of them. It is ironic that I now find myself missing their company though I found the maximum security environment oppressive and claustrophobic.
In the intense environment it seems that camaraderie is vital to survive, while here at Pallen Creek the people are all fine defaulters in for short spells and thus there is not the need or motivation to establish close connections.
It is a mediocre experience that lacks the intensity of true confinement and the intimacy this breeds. I felt like in a matter of days I had become good friends with blokes of all backgrounds. All pretense was dispensible we were equals fated to similar experiences. I felt no qualms about revealing my history of drug abuse, and self mutilation it seemed almost petty ………………I felt I was being real
Drugs
“An illusion that is then obscured by a delusion produces profound confusion.”
Dave
So many of the inmates at R&R had had their lives ravaged by heroin again and again. I heard the same familiar tale of lives destroyed by the demon poppy. Intelligent, sensitive, savage, sarcastic, silly men who had allowed this drug to bring ruination into their lives.
Dependency
Gaol does in many ways foster dependency. It can be a very passive existence, everything, is done for you meals cooked, washing done no bills to pay, or shopping trips, nothing is required except your passive acceptance of your fate. It is no wonder that many return, for it offers a kind of cosy security and surrogate family that does not exist outside.
“No where to run!”
Dream 9/9
- Walking into a café to retrieve the jacket Dad gave me and my docs as I am leaving I see a couple of skinheads they appear to be drunk. I keep walking and one comes over to me and attempts to assault me. But I am much stronger than him I grab him and begin bashing his head on the road, (his body goes limp) then I bash his head on the bumper bar of a car and his head explodes in a mass of gore.
- Dad rang wanted to know if I was all right.
- On a bus with a whole lot of little kids
- Reading a classified that advertised something about a party. She says I can stay over at her place. I don’t know her. Find myself a cab going to her place which is in Tweed Heads. The cabbie stops at his place for a moment he wants to go to
- Mum and dad come to get me from gaol. Dad has a red Jag that is convertible and Kerry Packer gave it to him. The guards ride around on small lawn mowers and tell me I have a visitor.
- Reading a book called The Dueling Machine by Ben Bova, I read it while I was living in Saudi Arabia, it was a long time ago, strange that I should dream about it.
9/9
It has been nearly three weeks since I last consumed any drugs other than cigarettes or caffeine. My goal now is to eliminate all drugs from my life. The next to go will be cigarettes and finally tea. Although I will allow myself the luxury of chocolate.
I can not fully see the future but when I leave here I shall aim to continue my abstinence from drugs. For in the weeks since I have stopped using them I have not missed this activity, but have relished the clarity that has been granted to me.
Drugs have brought me pain and sorrow, they have lead to many problems in my life. However, in order to overcome this scourge, I must develop other aspects of my life in order to fill the void that abstinence creates.
I wish for the company of individuals who will encourage this goal and shall seek out a community that will foster a drug free lifestyle.
I must be careful of being a patronising preacher. I will keep my goal secret for I must be humble in the face of the lord. I must acknowledge my vulnerability and realise that it is always possible to slip backwards.
I will not preach to others about my choice, but silently I shall pursue my goal of abstinence. I will simply say I am having a “break” and with gods grace this break may be permanent.
I must learn to accept and love myself and forgive others and myself for the mistakes of the past. Anger breeds negativity and hostility things which I must refuse to partake of. They lead to drug abuse.
I must integrate those dark aspects of myself that I use drugs to obscure.
10/9
Release
Hope fades as life for me ticks away. Deserted by all he is left to his ways, none shall hear his anguished pleas, but all in unison issue damning decrees. Let him suffer the pain, he is deserving of all that shall be.
Father, Mother, Brothers and friends shall turn away in his hour of need and so he succumbs to the warm embrace of deaths deliverance. Not meant for this world not suited to the struggle another casualty in the war for eternity. He is free, free at last of his earthly bonds, and spirit once more.
10/9 Afternoon
What a hell of a morning. A dark all encompassing cloud of depression engulfed me. I allowed it to happen. The previous page gives an insight into the vicious cycle of self pity, self loathing and depression into which I had become fixated. I sat alone in my room and brooded made plans for suicide got socks and shoelaces ready for the noose and planned to end it all tonight. A few games of ping-pong and some exercise and I exorcised my demons.
(This reminds me of a story I read about a bloke who was going to commit suicide by running and giving himself a heart attack. He was a mature man, overweight, high blood pressure and he had not exercised for some time thus he felt certain that within a few minutes of beginning his death run he would experience a myocardial infarction, or heart attack. However, after running for a few minutes he found that he was not dead and as he continued to run a strange thing began to happen. He began to feel better with each step forward he felt his depression subside like warm air on frosty windows clearing his mind and invigorating his senses. He didn’t want to die he wanted to run to live to enjoy life. He discovered what more and more people are realising the best cure for depression is exercise.)
This is not an easy path, but I feel I triumphed over my weakness. I did not use drugs to subdue or suppress those feelings but rather faced them and overcame them with my own initiative and with the grace of god.
My attitude and actions over the past few years have brought untold grief stress and pain into the lives of my friends and family. I beg that maybe they shall forgive me , for it is not they who have done wrong by me but me who has wronged them, through selfish and inconsiderate behaviour. Every bit of pain and sorrow that I have felt, they too have been subject to. So I must acknowledge that it is reasonable that they shun and reject me. For to do anything else is only to condone my dependent childish behaviour. I must release this role of “poor me” and instead of brooding in self pity I must take a stand and take control of my life.
For what you focus on is what you become. I had read years before that this is the key to achieving things in this world. Concerted concentration of energy
Today my mood has swung from an extreme depression to a positive affective state. Thank you god for giving me this chance to learn even though it has been painful.
I send my father, mother, brother all my love and I accept their right to be angry and resentful of me. I only pray that they may find it in their hearts to forgive me. This will never nullify the pain I have caused them but hopefully we will be able to move on and establish reasonable relations. For it is not I that should forgive them but rather those who have been wronged should forgive me.
My aunty Cheryl I pray that you may forgive my brutal words for though you hurt me that was not your intention, whereas I purposely attacked you with malice and anger in my heart. I have been like a leech on my mother and father sapping them of energy and thus for their own good they had to reject me. I am so very sorry for the things I have done and I am determined to redeem myself. I am truly the prodigal son, I have been dead but I feel as though I am on the virge of a birth. Oh God have mercy guide me toward the light and let me bring love into the lives of those who I have wronged.
Even my good friends like Darren have been victims of my parasitic ways and much work must be done to repay the debt I owe them.
Oh God I beg of you please forgive me and let me work towards good I will stand alone I will stand tall and I will make them proud.
11/9
Shitting blood this morning and afternoon toilet bowl is blood red no pain involved. Indigestion and stomach pain following ingestion of meat (lies all lies)
Five years ago severe problem of indigestion and blood from bowel.
Phone call tonight
Infringement of my human rights allowing freedon of religious values by not providing a suitable diet. “colostomy bag for the rest of my life if not give correct diet”. Maybe a slight exaggeration, but I have always been fond of the dramatic.
James 4:4 “Adulters and adulteresses do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever, therefore, wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of god”
So much of crime is directly caused by two great evils drugs and gambling, and the poverty these things create.
In a society that values wealth and material possessions above all else the most punished crimes are those against property. The vast majority of crime is not committed our or spite or malice but is the result of need, created by a deficit generated by drug addiction, gambling and unemployment.
Most people in gaol are from the lower classes this is a basic fact. Poor and lacking education they suffer in an unjust and corrupt system.
Furthermore, the gaol population is overwhelmingly male.
14/9
Laughter
When you are in gaol laughter is pure gold. Today for desert we had icecream and to go with it chocolate topping and banana topping. However, someone had brought out the BBQ sauce instead of the chocolate sauce. So I lavished BBQ sauce on my ice cream and dug in only to find that the “chocolate” sauce tasted rather suspect.
A common occurrence in gaol is “name dropping”. When two people meet who have a mutual acquaintances and embark on a long series of name exchanges. Whereby when one acknowledges familiarity with a name anecdotes are exchanged.
“You know Stevo, from Sydney, he was one of Nato’s mates, got busted tryin to fuckin kick the shit out of a copper on speed, fuck it was funny though, you should of seem him go, until few more cops arrived then they fuckin smashed him.”
The mullet hairstyle is prevalent and tattoos are the norm.
When I arrived at Palen Creek I was interviewed by a guard and during the interview he asked me if I would like to be considered for the work release compound at Wacol. He advised that it is lower security.
“Yeah I’ll be keen to go there if they have a vacancy.”
Sitting on the decking at the Chicken coop I am chatting to Mick, who has just arrived from R&R. I haven’t seen him since we were in the watchhouse. He went to a different section at R&R to me.
A guard comes up and calls out my name, Bob, and Roy. We are all to be transferred to Wacol Work Release.
One of the other inmates is listening and says, “They’re all fags up there mate, watch your ass ey” , he laughed. He was covered in tattoos both arms his chest, back and neck decorated with elaborate images of mythological beasts, and on his shoulder a crude prison tattoo with the words “I luv mum”.
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